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    Meanwhile in Ireland
    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Stormont politicians to ‘self-isolate’ with full pay for the next 3 years
    Craic Satire

    Stormont politicians to ‘self-isolate’ with full pay for the next 3 years

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterMarch 13, 2020No Comments3 Mins Read
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    The Northern Ireland Assembly has announced that in light of and because of the Coronavirus they will cease all parliamentary meetings for the next three years, a roughly similar time scale to their last long-term absence from work.

    The move comes just a few short months after the Assembly resumed functions after a three-year suspension which began on the 26 January 2017. Now it appears that the Assembly will self-isolate “in the public interest” for a further three years and that MLA’s will remain on full salary over the self-imposed suspension.

    ‘Protect even Catholics’

    Image result for DUP
    Credit: geograph.ie

    Speaking on the steps of Stormont Castle, two government spokespersons, one Sine Féin and another for the DUP, were, in accordance with power-sharing protocols, handcuffed together and only allowed to speak one sentence each before letting the other guy have his turn. 

    However, there was a short delay to the proceedings as a Shinner spokesperson lad cleared each statement with a few of the boys who were hovering in the background looking rather menacing in balaclavas.

    “We are imposing this short three-year period of self-isolation in an attempt to protect the wellbeing of all the people of N. Ireland, even Catholics,” the DUP spokesperson said.

    A nod from the lads

    Image result for sinn féin assembly
    Credit: wikipedia.org

    As he spoke, the Sinn Féin spokesperson received a nod from the lads in balaclavas and then replied: “Yeah, we agree with that.” And then added, “Tiocfaidh ár lá,” to which the lads in the balaclavas intoned “Up the RA.”

    “Of course the politicians, who are selflessly self-isolating, will receive their full salaries, perks and bonuses — I mean it’s only fair,” the DUP chap told the reporters.

    “Yeah, that sounds about right,” the Shinner said, but only after receiving another nod from the boys with the balaclavas who again intoned “Come out you Black and Tans,” for no apparent reason but a desire to be heard and the need to prove that they hadn’t really-really gone away.

    Mixed reaction

    Not surprisingly, the decision to suspend the Assembly was greeted with a certain degree of cynicism from the assembled media with one reporter saying: “Jaysus they’re just back from a fecking three-year-paid holiday, now they’re pulling the same stunt again only this time they-re blaming the Coronavirus not each other.”

    Image result for coronavirs

    However, not all the comments were negative. Political analyst Dr. Fred Dalton of the Institute for Peace and Reconciliation was in favour of the three-year self-isolation plan.

    “I’m completely behind the idea of suspending the Assembly for another three years. I’ve been talking to various virologists and they all agree that the Corona thinghy thrives in a hot warm environment and let’s face it, there is plenty of hot-air in Stormont, so there is.

    “But from a political point of view, in this current virus crisis, what the public need is strong and focused leadership and again let’s face it they’re not going to get that with the current shower of idiots in the Assembly. The best thing that could happen is to shagging isolate and ignore them for three years,” Dr Dalton concluded.

    Can this be made permanent?

    Image result for stormont inside
    An empty Assembly chamber. Credit: geograph.ie

    As we go to press, Meanwhile in Ireland understands that both the British and Irish governments are holding emergency talks to see if the three years of Stormont self-isolation could be perhaps made a sort of a permanent thing. More when we have it.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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