The DUP has announced today that they are “more British” than the British Government itself after former arch-ally Boris Johnson threw the party under what appeared to be a Translink bus.
The proclamation comes after the Tory Government broke a series of lies about creating a border down the Irish Sea, promises that were made directly to the DUP.
After telling a DUP Conference that “no British Government could ever countenance cutting Northern Ireland adrift”, Johnson shifted his tone as soon as the politics suited him and agreed to a border down the Irish sea to strike a deal with the EU.
Speaking at a packed-out rally at Windsor Park Stadium in South Belfast called minutes after the news broke, DUP Brexit spokesperson Sammy Wilson was as beetroot as ever as he relayed his anger to a loyal DUP crowd, who could be seen with “No Surrender” and “Ulster is British” signs.
“It’s a disgrace!” Wilson screamed. “We were told time and time again that this would never happen. We have been betrayed and let down.
“It begs the question; are the British Government really British? I mean, after this, we are more British than the British Government!
“There can be a hard border for all we care!”, Wilson said, growing redder with every passing second. “But to create a border down the Irish sea, to cut us off from the mainland, is nothing short of a betrayal. We won’t accept it.”
Reaction of Boris Johnson
In a late-night confession to close friends and aides, Johnson was quietly jubilant about his decision, happy that he now no longer has to deal with the Northern Nightmare.
“Northern Ireland has only ever been an inconvenience. Time to get our independence back and let them go!”
It is rumoured that Boris Johnson offered the North of Ireland to Leo Varadkar for free in exchange for support for his Brexit deal.
Nobody else surprised
The move by the British Prime Minister has come as no surprise to absolutely everyone else, owing to Johnson’s persistent lying and history itself.
“Sure they did the same to Edward Carson”, said a casual observer. “Johnson has lied about everything else he promised, I don’t know why the DUP believed him. Let’s just get Brexit done. I’m fed up”, sharing everyone else’s frustrations.
Others have questioned the wisdom of the DUP’s stance, pointing out that the island of Ireland is already cut off from the British mainland along the Irish sea.
“What are the DUP on about?” questioned a local republican. “Ireland is already separated from Britain! The British Government has never had, and never can have, any right…” before being cut off by a senior colleague for rambling on.
DUP consider support for a United Ireland
Johnson’s betrayal has dealt a serious blow to any influence that the 10 DUP MP’s may have had over the Brexit negotiations, and may have caused the party to lose faith in the Westminster Parliament.
This had has led some prominent commentators to suggest to the Meanwhile in Ireland political team that the DUP may now shift their policy towards support for a United Ireland in an unprecedented move. DUP sources have hinted that this is one betrayal too far.