One good thing about being Irish is our ability to tell stories and to laugh at ourselves.
Perhaps the tendency not to take life too seriously is the primary reason why there are so many Irish jokes floating around the world.
We simply don’t get overly insulted when someone tells a good Irish/Paddy joke….it’s really not a big deal.
With this in mind, our man Ger Leddin looks at five hilarious jokes, some aimed at the Irish, and the odd-one where we come out on top.
1. The Irish farmer and the Smart-Ass Barrister
A smart-ass English barrister and an Irish farmer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight.
Paddy is trying to sleep.
The Barrister thinks to himself “Irishmen are so stupid; I could put one over on this big man easily…”
So he asks if the Irishman to play a fun game to pass the time.
Paddy would rather sleep but courteously asks “What kind of a game?” and the barrister replies, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.”
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”
Paddy doesn’t say a word but just reaches in his pocket pulls out a fiver and hands it to the Barrister.
Then it’s Paddy’s turn.
He thinks for a bit then says “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop and Goggles all the references he can find on the Net.
He emails all his smart barrister friends but all to no avail.
Eventually, after an hour he gives up and turns to a sleeping Paddy then shakes him awake and hands him €500.
Paddy pockets the €500, turns in his seat and goes right back to sleep.
The barrister is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes Paddy up again and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the barrister €5.00 and goes back to sleep.
2. Paddy and his Will
An Irish labourer was living in London and had lost his job, skint broke and fecking hungry he decides on a plan to get a few drinks and a decent meal.
Putting on his one and only “going to mass on a Sunday” suit he goes into a big firm of solicitors and asks to make a will.
“I’d like to leave the farm back home in Ireland to the eldest son,” he says, then continues,” and I’d like to leave the other farm, slightly smaller, just the three hundred acres to the second son. And I’d like to leave the two hotels in Ballybunion to the two daughters and…”
The solicitor thinking he was onto a good earner interrupts and says “Look why don’t I take you out to lunch and then we can come back to the office and tidy up the paperwork.”
“Fair enough so,” says Paddy and off they went to a classy restaurant where the solicitor treats Paddy to a slap up meal and copious pints of larger.
Later when they return to the office Paddy continues, ” I’d like to leave the factory in Listowel to the brother and the shares in Apple to the cousin and…”
“Hold on a minute,” says the solicitor beginning at last to cop-on. “Are you sure you actually have all this property?” He asks.
“Shur, not a bit of it.” Answers Paddy but if I had that’s who I’d like to leave it to!”
“Get out!” says the solicitor as Paddy runs for the door.
3. Paddy the Alcoholic
About two weeks later the same Paddy goes into a Harley Street doctor’s office.
“Do you treat alcoholics?” he asks.
“Why certainly Sir.” replies the doctor.
“Great,” says Paddy,” grab your coat and you can buy me a few pints, I’m skint.”
4. Paddy and the Speed Camera
Paddy was minding his own business driving back to Limerick from Kilkee in County Clare.
As he entered the townland of Lissycasey, a big fat and near to retirement age Garda, you know the type, jumps out from behind a bush brandishing a speed gun and waves Paddy to a stop.
“You were speeding,” says the guard. “Doing thirty-three in a thirty zone.” He continued.
“Feckit Guard,” says Paddy “I didn’t see no fecking sign. It must be covered by them bushes.”
“Bushes or no bushes, I’m giving you a ticket and a hundred euro fine,” say’s Brian the Guard. Now show me your tax, licence, insurance and registration documents.” Brian continues.
“Shur, I don’t have any tax, licence, insurance and shur, the fecking car isn’t even mine. It belongs to the guy in the boot, I hit him over the head with me revolver when I stole his car.”
“Jaysus!” Said the Guard as he backed away and jumped over the nearest ditch while frantically calling for back-up on his radio.
Within ten-minutes back-up consisting of two unmarked and three patrol cars had arrived from Kilrush.
A helicopter hovered overhead and a nervous Superintendent wearing a bullet-proof vest approaches Paddy’s car where Paddy was nonchalantly listing to Lyric FM belting out classical music on the radio.
“Is this your car?” asks the Superintendent.
‘Tis to be sure.” Answers Paddy — all respectful like.
“And do you have tax, insurance and a license?”
“I do indeed,” says Paddy handing them out through the window.
“And do you have a gun and a body in the boot?”
“Jaysus No!” Says Paddy, “who told you that pack of lies?”
“Why he did — that garda over there,” says the Super.
“Well, the fecking liar,” says Paddy “I suppose he fecking told you I was speeding as well………”
5. Paddy and the Free Pints
Paddy the Irish Man, who was actually from Dublin’s Northside and his workmate on the building site, Jock from Glasgow were sitting in a bar in London’s Docklands having a few pints after work.
“This is a wee nice bar,” say’s Jock but I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee bunny place where the landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well,” said another English chap, “At my local in Kent, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ah, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Jock were suspicious of Paddy’s claims. But Paddy swore on the grave of his mother that every word was true.
Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted Paddy, “but it did happen to me sister the few times.”