‘I’m on state benefits and have just lost the kids,’ Queen Elizabeth II reveals

Queen Elizabeth II has publicly announced how difficult she finds it to survive on state benefits and manage a dysfunctional family.

In a televised interview last night The Queen of England spoke publicly and for the first time on the difficulties, she faces as not only head of Britain and the Commonwealth but also as the head of a dysfunctional family.

The interview was conducted by TV presenters Ant and Dec and broadcast live from Buckingham Palace London by ITV.

No One Gives a Feck

“It’s like as if no one actually gives a damn about me anymore,” HM said. “It’s all about Andrew this, Harry that and Megan the other thing.” HM told both Ant and Dec.”

“I mean seriously, how is one expected to feel when one’s own broadcasting company the BBC can’t even be bothered to interview one?” The Queen asked using the royal plural then continued, “And ITV send you two idiots, they couldn’t even be bothered to send a real fecking journalist.” Her Gracious Majesty said for the first time using less than ladylike language in public.

At this stage, the broadcast was interrupted as the Queen cleaned up after one of her corgis had ‘an accident’ on the carpet and to take the rollers out of her hair.

Only a Few Millions a Year

“I mean it’s simply not on.” HM proclaimed. “The Sovereign Grant — the money the Queen gets from the Government each year — is only £104 million a year, and there are so many rules and regulations attached.

“Next thing you know they’ll want me to go down to the local post office every Thursday just like the rest of the auld-wans to collect the pension” HM complained then added, “When one has so many spongers and hangers-on as my family £104 million just doesn’t cut it.

“Like seriously, that’s only two fecking million quid a week — hardly enough for dog food for the shagging corgis, never mind a few cans of a night.” The Queen who has a penchant for canned larger admitted.   

And As For the Family

“I mean it’s not enough having to live on benefit,” the Queen went on. “But having to deal with those idiots of a family as I have as well that’s bloody difficult, ” the Queen confessed. 

“Jaysus it’s shagging hard. Like seriously, the only shagging normal two are fecking off to Canada or America leaving me stuck with Randy Andy and Big Ears,” the Queen said revealing her pet names for her sons.

Blame The Yanks

Her Majesty went on to tell Ant and Dec that she blamed all her family’s ups and downs on “the shagging Americans,” as she put it.

She said, “It all started with that Wallace Simpson wan when she threw her cap at me Uncle Eddie.” HM said.

“It’s like is if every fecking woman from the States sets out to wreck this family by trapping its men. First, you had Wallace Simpson.

“Then Ginger marries Megan another fecking Yank and decided to feck off to the States with her and the baby. Then you have your-wan who’s accusing poor Andy of touching her up — Jaysus will it ever end?”

“No seriously lads,” she continued, “Harry and Megan supporting themselves — that’s a laugh, Ginger couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery. I suppose though in fairness to him he’s better than his father Big Ears.  Jaysus he’s fecking hopeless — spends all his time talking to bloody plants — well at least it keeps him out of trouble. Thank God”

At this stage the Queen interrupted the interview again to get Ant and Dec a can of beer each, saying “I drinks it straight from the can so I does to save on the washing-up.”

It is also reported that she asked them to get her a spot on I’m a Celebrity — Get Me Out of Here and while they’re at it to get Prince Andrew a spot on Love Island.