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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Ireland’s pubs to remain closed until at least 2024
    Craic Satire

    Ireland’s pubs to remain closed until at least 2024

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterFebruary 9, 2021No Comments3 Mins Read
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    Ireland's pubs to remain closed until at least 2024.

    Ireland’s pubs are expected to remain closed until at least 2024, with a provisional reopen date set for late 2024.

    The announcement was made by the newly appointed Chairman of the National Authority for Eventual Crisis Response Dr Clive Murphy.

    Dr Murphy was speaking at an online press conference from Government Buildings.

    The announcement – some good news

    Leinster House.
    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    Dr Murphy described the announcement from Leinster House as “today’s good news story.”

    “Of course there will have to be some restrictions and conditions applying to the long-awaited pub reopening he told the press and said that the Government is still considering various options for a “controlled relaxation.”

    “We are very aware of the unique social and economic factors surrounding the Irish Pub.

    “And we are aware that for many Irish pint drinkers it already seems like years since they last supped a pint — so a few more years will hardly kill them.” Dr Murphy, who is himself a non-drinking man said.

    “While we can’t give an exact date for pub reopening we expect that all being well it might be as early as December 2024. Now isn’t that a bit of good news?” The doctor asked.

    A gradual relaxation – easing of restrictions

    Ireland's pubs to remain closed until at least 2024.
    Credit: piqsels.com

    “Of course, there will have to be conditions attached to what we envisage as a gradual relaxation of the closures. We need to keep up the auld social distancing thingy.”

    “For example, we are thinking of lifting the ban initially for men only. I mean we will allow women into bars eventually, but that might take an extra few years yet — we just have to wait and see.”

    “We will also require that those pubs that are allowed reopen — we envisage one pub in every town — will install what we are calling social-distancing cubicles.

    These will be clear plastic tubes where the customer can sit on his own and avoid coming into direct contact with other customers. All bar tops will need to install a system of revolving trays where your order is delivered, and of course, pints will need to be supped through disposable straws while wearing a facemask.” 

    Prices rise expected – to make up for losses

    Credit: needpix.com

    “Again as we need to make up for the economic loss to the central exchequer,” Dr Murphy went on.

    “The price of a pint will have to carry a small extra tax burden. We envisage lobbing an extra fiver on a pint and ten-quit on real fancy cocktails like Bacardi and Coke or Gin and Tonic.

    “I mean those feckers who drink those fancy drinks can fecking afford it so they can. And don’t even start me on that lot who drink shagging craft beers – that pretentious lot!” the doctor concluded.

    An increase on the legal drinking age – over 35s only

    As well as plans for the pubs to remain closed until at least 2024, the drinking age will also be increased.
    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    Meanwhile in Ireland News has also learned that the government hopes to reduce the numbers in pubs by increasing the legal age for buying alcohol to thirty-five.

    Another proposal under consideration which the government hopes will cut down on excessive numbers in pubs is the reduction of pub opening hours to from between eleven in the morning to mid-day.

    When asked if Ireland’s pubs are to remain closed until at least 2024, a spokesperson from the Vintners Association of Ireland said, “Ah, well, you have to laugh.” 

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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