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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Lads issue urgent appeal for missing man ‘presumed to be in relationship’
    Craic Satire

    Lads issue urgent appeal for missing man ‘presumed to be in relationship’

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterMarch 13, 2020No Comments3 Mins Read
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    A group of friends have appealed for the public’s help in locating a missing man. The appeal was made over social media and ads have been taken out in the local newspaper as the lads hope to discover the whereabouts of one of their own.

    A close-knit group of men mostly in their early thirties have launched a campaign aimed at finding Timmy Murphy (29) who has been missing from the bedsit he shares with two others in Carrick County, Tipperary. 

    Hasn’t been seen in 3 weeks

    “We’re seriously worried about Timmy,” a spokesman for the group said. “None of the lads has had sight nor sound of him in about three weeks,” John O’Neill told the unusually concerned journalists.

    Local green-grocer and part-time psychologist Thomas Ryan told reporters: “Ah, Jaysus lads this is fecking serious, so it is. Timmy is genuinely ‘one-of-the-lads,’ so he is. He wouldn’t go wandering off without good reason. That’s why we suspect foul-play, so we do.” 

    ‘Must be in a relationship’

    man people girl woman white photography male female love young couple romance romantic two together lifestyle hug boyfriend girlfriend ceremony fun wife happy happiness relationship photograph lovers passion sexy valentine attractive emotion persons adult husband interaction photo shoot

    “He must be in a relationship, so he must.” Seaney Ryan — no relation to any previously mentioned Ryan — said. “I’ve heard tell of it happening before — some innocent young-fella falling prey to a young-wan.

    “You see,” Seaney went on to explain. “Some lads as they grow too auld to tog out for the hurling and realise that they’ll never play for the county, find their mind’s turning to sex. 

    “And any young-wan in a tight black skirt and white blouse with thigh length leather boots and wearing a splash of perfume can easily lead them astray, so they can,” he said as he worked up a bit of a sweat while getting sidetracked in fantasy.

    Gardaí involved

    Image result for gardaí
    Credit: wikipedia.org

    Local garda sergeant Paddy Ryan — again a different branch of the Ryan family — confirmed that the Gardaí were treating the case as an abduction. “We’ve put posters up on the three lampposts in Carrick,” he said. “And we’ve asked both the supermarkets in town to keep an eye out for Timmy. 

    “The detective boys in Dublin told us that often times if a lad has been abducted and in a relationship with a young-wan they can be dragged into doing the shopping, so they can. So that’s where we might have the best chance finding him.”

    Credit: publicdomainpictures.net

    Sergeant Ryan describe Tommy as being “five-foot and four inches and of medium build but with a bit of a bear-belly on him. He has red hair that used to be longer when he was a teenager and played centre-back for the parish.” 

    The garda also revealed to the press that “he was last seen wearing a class of a sweater and a pair of trousers. He also has a bit of a twist to his nose from a belt of a hurley he got when he played under-fourteen.”

    Direct appeal to the girl

    John Joe Ryan, who is the manager of the parish hurling team, added, “We are appealing directly to the young-wan who may have abducted Timmy to give him back. He still has a good season left in him, so he has.”

    Image result for kilkenny hurlers
    The Kilkenny senior hurling team. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    He added that if the kidnapper is really that desperate for a relationship she should try the neighbouring County Kilkenny as they have plenty of centre-backs and wouldn’t miss one or two. Prudent advice from a Tipp man.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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