A County Kerry man has come out last week and told friends that he blamed the prank commonly called a ‘Chinese Burn’ on the “crowd of immigrants” that have moved in four doors down the road from him.
Timmy O’Neill (24) of Carey Gardens, Listowel, County Kerry, was out drinking with some mates when he made the announcement. “I remember when I was about fifteen and at school. I used to get an awful time from the bigger lads who were always gripping me arm and twisting the skin on me wrist ’til I yelped in pain.”
Chinese burn was ‘torture’
“Jaysus ’twas fecking terrible torture altogether so it was. Jaysus, you’d be on your way into school or hanging around the yard when all of a sudden these big lads would pounce on ye.
“Then they’d grab your shagging wrist and twist the feck out of the skin ’til you’d end up screaming in agony. They used to pick on me every day. Now the crowd who invented it have moved in down the road from me Ma’s house,” he said whilst remembering the trauma of his youth.
‘They’re all the same’
“But for feck-sake Timmy,” young Seamus O’ Connor said. “Shur, they’re from the Philippines not from China, for feck sake that’s nowhere near China,” Seamus enlightened Timmy.
“There all the fecking same,” said Timmy, “a right lot of fecking spongers coming over here when no one asked them to. Taking our jobs and them with their cruel tortures and no respect for us. Jaysus I’ll never forgive them for what they done to me arm.”
“Ah for the love and honour of all that’s holy, Timmy, will you cop-on to yourself?” Seamus said. “Shur didn’t the Irish government go out to the Philippines in 2000 looking for doctors and nurses to staff the Irish hospitals, and us without a doctor or nurse in the shagging country. Jaysus they were doing us the fecking favour, you gob-shite.”
Pearl Harbour was sneaky
“I doesn’t give a feck,” Timmy replied. “To me they’re all fecking Chinese the lot of them. I seen Bridge Over The River Kwai, so I have, and shur what they did in Pearl Harbour was sneaky altogether, so it was.”
“Ah for feck-sake Timmy, that was the shagging Japanese, so it was and ’twas years ago. Them lot down the road from your Ma’s are all doctors and nurses, so they are and they’re sound, so they are. Seriously, catch yourself on.”
“I don’t give a feck!” Timmy retorted. “They all look the same and I blames them for giving me the Chinese Burn thingy years ago, so I do. It’s all their fault.” His friend replied: “Timmy you dip-stick, ’twas Bruiser Mc Donnagh that used to give you the Chinese Burn after school, not that nice Filipino nurse young-wan down the road.”
Treated by Filipinos
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that as Timmy left the pub he had the misfortune to trip and fall, badly breaking his wrist in the process. The lads drove him into Casualty in Tralee General Hospital where he had the good fortune to be treated by Filipino radiologists, nurses and doctors, all of whom lived down the road from his ma’s house.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
