Amazon has announced the launch of a new High Protein Food selection in Ireland. The multinational company based in Seattle that focuses on e-commerce has announced that they are to introduce a new Protein Meal Replacement Shake on a trial basis in selected areas of the country.
It is expected that the rollout of the ‘Full Irish Fry’ flavoured protein drink will commence over the next two months but availability will initially be confined to highly populated urban areas.
Speaking at a press launch for the new product, Mr Sam Ford, CEO of Amazon Ireland said; “This is a first for Ireland and a first for Amazon. It’s a further step in our policy of giving the people what we tell them they want.”
The indigenous taste
“Our market research guys in Seattle came up with the idea of preparing and marketing High Protein Shakes with the true indigenous taste. We want to make this a world-wide phenomenon that people will cry out for. And of course, we are hoping it will make us loads of dosh,” Ford said.
“Initially we were thinking of Spaghetti Bolognese-flavoured shakes to be trialed in Italy or Sweet and Sour Chow Mein in China. Or even Fosters and baked Rat for the Australian market.
“But to be honest we were really looking for a nation where the customers have more money than they do sense and Ireland fits the bill perfectly,” the seriously wealthy and rotund CEO said.
Authentic marketing strategy
The new High Protein Shakes will be infused with the taste of the traditional Irish Fry-Up, and that the marketing strategy of ‘Just like Your Mammy Used to Make’ will give the right touch of authenticity to the product to lure the dim-witted into buying.
“Of course our marketing campaign will be aimed at those newly wealthy young and upwardly mobile people who really can’t be bothered to get up of their arse and cook after ‘slaving behind a computer’ all day in some financial services centre.
“These Yuppies prefer to lie on the couch watching our Prime service as they use their smart-phones to let us do their shopping for them. Figures tell us that eighty-five per cent of those who can’t be bothered to walk to the kitchen are seriously health-conscious — or at least pretend to be.
“This way they can fool themselves into thinking that the High Protein Shake is actually doing their obese bodies some bit of good,” The CEO admitted but then added; “That’s completely off the record OK?” He asked the pack of typical bought and paid for journos present.
Delivered to your door
The Full Irish Fry flavour protein shake will actually never have been within a hundred miles of a real Irish mammy but will instead consist of about ten chemically enhanced flavoured E number things.
Some of the new shake’s ingredients have been deemed unsuitable for public consumption by the Federal Food Authority but can still be bought cheaply on the black-market in Taiwan if you know the right people.
Delivery will be by a drone so that when ordered both the customer and his/her neighbours will probably be subjected to an aerial bombardment of plastic tetra-packs dropping from the clouds.
This strategy will, of course, be in line with Amazon’s policy of environmental friendliness as it has stated that the tetra-packs will self dissolve within a twenty-five year period, “more or less”.