A thirty-seven-year-old Limerick man has reacted angrily to his mother’s allegation that he won’t take up various job offers. We understand she made the allegation when her son flatly refused to attend a job interview she had arranged for him.
Paddy O’Neill of Ballinacurra View, Limerick City, has vehemently denied his mother’s claim that he is “just plain and simply lazy” and has been living rent-free off her for the past ten years.
Mrs O’Neill told her eighbour Alice: “He’s a shagging lazy sod altogether. Seriously, Alice, he won’t get out of bed until two in the shagging afternoon and then he spends the whole day watching day-time television.
“Jaysus, I got him fixed up with an interview with the Council’s Parks Section. But the little-fecker says he can’t go ‘cos the Cider virus means he has to self-insulate. Insulate, me arse. Two years ago I asked him to insulate the shagging attic and I’m still waiting, so I am.”
‘I think he means self-isolation’
Alice, being that bit more clued into current affairs than Mrs O’Neill, took the opportunity to correct and enlighten her long-time friend. “I think you mean self-isolate and it’s called the coronavirus, not the Cider virus.
“Well, in fairness to Paddy, if he thinks that he may have been in contact with an infected person he’s right to self-isolate. It’s the right and proper thing to do according to Joe Duffy,” said Alice, who is an avid fan of Joe’s Liveline radio programme.
No chance of contact
“Ah Jaysus Alice,” Mrs O’Neill replied, “come into contact with an infected person? Shur, Paddy hasn’t been outside the front door in two months. The only thing he’s come in contact is his shagging willy, so it is.
“I’m telling you since he got that WiFi thingy in the bedroom all you can hear is the moaning and groaning coming from his room. Jaysus morning, noon and night he’s at it. It’s costing me a fortune with cleaning the sheets, so it is,” the embarrassed mother of her only son confessed.
Always has an excuse
Mrs O’Neill went on to outline to her friend as to how each and every time she had Paddy ‘fixed-up’ with a job interview he came up with some reason not to attend. “I’m never off me knees saying Novenas for him to get a job.
“I have a path worn up to the church, so I have. But each and every time I thinks I might get him fixed-up he has a shagging excuse not to go. First it was the tsunami thing out in the Indian Ocean. Paddy didn’t get out of bed for the interview ‘cos he thought he’d get his feet wet.
“Then ’twas the fecking ash cloud yoke. He told me he was trying to quit the cigarettes and the ash would set him off smoking again. Then one morning he was puking his guts up after sixteen pints and he says that it was the winter vomiting bug. What’s a mother to do?” she solemnly asked.
A decent Irish mother
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that Mrs O’Neill, after pouring her heart out to Alice, did what any decent Irish mother would do. She poured another cup of tea for herself and Alice then cooked Paddy his breakfast and took it upstairs to him on a tray.