A new to Ireland strain of the popular Asian cuisine dish normally sold in Chinese restaurants is reported as now being more addictive than the Class A drug heroin, according to a report issued by the Irish Medical Council.
The Spice Bag consists of deep-fried chips, chicken, red and green peppers, sliced chilli peppers, fried onions, and a variety of spices. It has become the most popular takeaway food in Ireland since its introduction in 2010. It is often sold accompanied with a side order of curry.
Knows what She’s talking About
Speaking to members of the medical press at a conference held at the council’s Headquarters in Dublin, Dr Rosin O’Malley a noted dietarian and addiction specialist and someone who usually knows what she’s talking about said.
“The Spice Bag or mála spíosrach as it would be referred to in Gaeltacht areas — Dr O’Malley can claim more money if she throws in a few words of Irish — has gained somewhat of a cult following in the republic.”
“This has all us doctor and science people seriously worried, and we normally don’t worry about health thingies ‘cos we’re doctors and can afford private health cover.
“But seriously this addiction to the new strain of Spice Bag that is sweeping the country has us sh***ing ourselves, so it has.” The doctor said, deviating away from her prepared text.
“We have conducted one of those survey thingies on the Spice Bag or as we say in the Gaeltach ‘suirbhé ar an mála spíosraí'” Dr O’Malley told reporters again being mindful of the extra cash she makes by speaking a bit of Irish.
“Anyway,” the doctor went on “those spice bags are seriously fecking addictive. We have rakes of evidence of lads leaving the pubs — mainly on weekend nights — and going straight to the takeaway and gorging on Spice Bags.”
“What’s really-really bad is that after they get home and wait an hour or two, they get withdrawal symptoms and are fecking starving again. Jaysus the withdrawals can be horrific. I’ve heard tell of lads getting up straight out of bed during the early hours of the morning and going right back to the Chinese for another fix, so I have.” The doctor said.
The doctor went on to describe how if left untreated, Spice Bag addiction can ‘absolutely ruin’ the lives of those ‘young-fellas’ who fall prey to the fast food.
“Take Jimmy (name changed to protect his real identity) for example.” The doctor said, pointing to a young twenty-three-year-old lad who was seated in the front row.
“Jimmy had everything: a girlfriend, a good job, a fairly decent car, he had the lot.” Dr O’Malley said as Jimmy sat shivering and shaking on the seat, closely monitored by three security guards as he chewed his nails.
“He used to go out on a Saturday night with the lads, just for a few pints. Then at closing time he’d make his way home and have a bit of a leg over with the girlfriend or watch a bit of porn if she was down the country at her mother’s. And that was that, he’d get up on Monday morning right as rain and be first into work.”
Couldn’t Give What She Needed
“But not anymore”, Dr O’Malley went on as if Jimmy wasn’t there. “Now it’s straight out of the pub, and he spends two of their shagging hours queuing in the rain outside the Chinese for a Spice Bag. Shur by the time he’d get home the girlfriend had got tired of waiting up for him, and he’d be too full and smelling of curry to give her what she so desperately needed. Shur, the relationship ended.”
“‘Twas the same with the Job, Jimmy began to steal the petty cash to feed his addiction. Of course, the boss found out and Jimmy got the sack. He sold the car for a fiver one night when he had no change on him to buy a Spice Bag, and now he’s ended up doing the dished in the Golden Dragon on Westmoreland Street just to pay back what he owes the Chinese Spice-Bag Lords.” Dr O’Malley told the press.
A spokesperson for Simon Harris, the Minister for Health has issued a statement saying the Minister will do everything in his power to protect both the fabric and the health of Irish society.
Measures such as banning Spice Bag advertising and sports sponsorship deals are being considered at cabinet level, and it is expected that Spice Bags will be heavily taxed in next year’s budget.
If you or your family members have been affected by Spice Bag addiction plenty of helplines are available, we just don’t have the telephone numbers to hand. Sure you can Goggle them.
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.