A recent study by the Trinity College Department of Sociology has proved that Ireland’s most commonly used untruth is “I’m only going to have the one.”
The study was conducted as part of a PhD thesis entitled ‘Truths, Lies and Self Denial’, and is to be published by Doctoral Candidate Stephanie O’Loideain.
In her soon to be published thesis, Dr O’Liodeain writes; “‘I’m only going for the one’ ranks high above the ‘I’m just going to do it now Dear,’ when it comes to upsetting us, girlfriends and wives,” the doctor revealed.
“It’s twice as insulting to a woman as those ‘I’ll be home in twenty-minutes’ text messages you get — especially when the same text message is re-sent two hours later.”
“In my thesis, I have tried to explore and expose the myth that Irish men can actually just ‘go for the one.’ I’m sorry to say; they simply can’t!”
“While preparing my thesis, I worked closely with my university colleagues from the Physics Department. They conclude that it is somewhat akin to the law of gravity; it is a purely physical fact and nothing that can be done about it.”
A magnetic force
The thesis goes on to describe the strange magnetic force that seems to attract then attach Irish men to a bar.
“It’s the same magnetic force that keeps them standing upright after fifteen pints only to let them fall flat on their faces when they go outside.”
While Dr O’Liodean’s thesis is aimed at the scientific and academic market, it does, however, contain some very stark and sad personal stories of interest to the general reader.
Two sad tales
One lady interviewed by the doctor tells of how, on the day of their daughters’ birth, her husband “just nipped in for the one” but didn’t arrive home until three days later.
The father missed the entire church service, and now the lady in question is responding to counselling support.
Another lady told how she and her husband were on the way to a family holiday in Lanzarote when her husband left her and the kids queuing at the gate for the flight from Dublin Airport.
He too just “nipped in just for the one”, but in a shocking turn of events, the man has not been seen since.
The mating call
“It appears from my research and from watching and filming the male Irish man in a pub” — Dr O’Liodean, at this stage, confessed to using long lens hidden cameras to capture on film the Irish male at play both alone and in packs.
“It appears,” she repeated in a David Attenborough-style voice, “that when an Irish male says ‘I’m only having the one’, the rest of the pack reply with ‘ah, sure you’ll have one for the road’, or similar calls to drink on.
Contrary to Dr O’Liodean’s thesis, Meanwhile in Ireland have uncovered an unusual case of one man “going for the one” and leaving after only having had one drink.
We do, however, have to admit it was a Cavan man who left when he discovered it was his round next. More when we have it.