All of Ireland’s roads which are not presently tolled will be subjected to toll charges from January 1 2022, following an announcement made today at a press conference held at Government Buildings in Dublin.
eFlow, the company which manages the collection of tolls on Irish motorways, has confirmed today that, acting under government instructions, every road in Ireland — including all minor roads — will be electronically tolled.
More dosh for the Government
Speaking to the press, Mr Sam Savage, Chairman and CEO of eFlow, said; “It has absolutely got nothing to do with eFlow. It was a decision made at the highest level of government. We just do what we’re told and collect what we can for the government.
“Ok, so, we pocket a bit for ourselves but most of the dosh goes straight into the government’s pockets,” he said, while being both a bit embarrassed and annoyed at been picked to make the unpopular announcement.
No road is safe
It is understood that the new tolls will affect every little county road, country boreen and back alley in the country. The method of tolling is yet to be finalised but understood to involve a system of number-plate-recognition-sensors which may be hidden in ditches or on lampposts along road edges.
Drivers will be asked to furnish eFlow with credit or debit card details so that direct payment may be deducted from bank accounts as soon as drivers drive on the road.
“It’s quite a simple little system really. It won’t be a bit like the speeding camera vans. It will just be tiny small camera stuck into hedges or up telephone polls and as soon as you pass, well, that’s it you’re caught, so you are,” Savage said.
Mess with the little people
The newly appointed Minister for Getting Cash In Quick, Mr Noel Blarney TD said; “We’ve got to make up in some way for the loss of revenue from Europe since Brexit. The Europeans simply can’t afford to pay for our substandard roads and pothole maintenance anymore.
“Since the Brit’s left, there isn’t as much cash to go around and the deficit has to be made up somehow. So we’re going to do what has always worked in the past, i.e. screw the little people,” the minister admitted.
A great little earner
“I know the last government fecked up on the whole Water-Charges debacle. Which in a way is a pity ‘cos that would have been a great little earner that would.
“But, those water-meter boxes were just too shagging big and took too long to install and gave the public way too much time to organise a protest. It was always a losing battle.
“No, these little cameras are tiny and one lad can install them during the middle of the night without anyone knowing a shagging thing, so he can,” the minister explained.
It’s not all bad
“It’s not all bad news though,” the minister added. “There will be certain exemptions to the new tolls. Bikes, prams, and farmyard tractors will be exempt.
“As will ambulances answering emergency callouts (on the outward leg of the journey only) and fire and other emergency services will be charged a discounted rate,” said a minister, who, like most politicians, had the knack of making bad news seem good.
As we go to press, we are unable to confirm the rumours circulating throughout the country that parking charges for people parking in their own drives are being considered by the government.
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