Tech giant Apple has announced today that a new “drunk mode” has been added to its software for the new iPhone 12 phone, set to be released in early 2020.
The American company has announced the plans amid startling revelations released in an Irish Government report that drunk people are “consistently and effectively” texting their exes after “every night out”.
The report
The report was commissioned by the Department for Business, Enterprise and Innovation in March 2019 and concluded its findings with a 32-page report.
The Report was based on a representative sample of 2,000 Irish people across five cities: Belfast, Derry, Galway, Cork and Dublin, and its remit was to examine how often and how much people text their exes after a drunken night out.
The report concluded that out of this sample, 83% text their exes “every night out”, 10% do so “every now and again” while the remaining 7% admitted to “doing it once in their lifetime”.
Departmental official Michael Langan commented on the Reports’ findings – “What is clear here is the existence of an epidemic. Rarely does a sample score so highly in a particular category. It is almost certainly like this across all of the cities in their entirety, and perhaps the entire country.”
Apple Plans
The report has had ramifications across the Atlantic, putting further pressure on Apple to act on the issue after several other nations expressed similar concerns.
Apple CEO Tim Cook told a conference of delegates that the new iPhone will contain a new security system inbuilt into the phone’s software which cannot be removed manually.
Once a “drunken eejit” sends an “embarrassing text” to his or her ex-partner, the phone will immediately detect the misdemeanour and instantly erase the text message, with no trace or history remaining.
Once the culprit awakes the following morning, he or she will be sent a notification by the phone explaining the actions of the past night and will set up a ‘Drunken Text Log’, which will tally each time the person attempts to text their ex.
Reaction to the plans
The plans have been “cautiously welcomed” by some well-known and regular drunken texters across Irish society.
“Ah, I’m 50-50 about it,” said Marc Jones from Dublin. “I mean, yeah, I have the tendency to go and text my ex, and maybe this will save the embarrassment, but what if my ex decided to text me back one night?”
Jones’ philosophical take on the issue has resonated with some, but the plans have by and large been received warmly by the remainder of the general public, especially those from the “ex’s community”.
One member from this community, who requested that her identity remain anonymous, has been the victim of “over 100 drunken texts” and told the national press that the new plans were a “Godsend to me and my friends”.
The Irish Government has also greenlighted the plans, and revealed to Meanwhile in Ireland that it will request “a mass amount of iPhone 12’s” in order to sell widely across Ireland. It is believed that an increase in purchases of the new device will significantly quell the epidemic that has overtaken Irish society.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
