Tommy Joe Murphy, (45) from Carey’s Villas, St. Mary’s Park, Limerick has astonished friends and family by admitting that he “hasn’t a clue” as to why he has put on so much weight over the last few years.
“I blame the fecking internet,” he said as he went live on a Facebook video chat from his living room with most of his friends and family who were attending Tommy’s parents’ wedding anniversary party just a mile down the road. Tommy apparently hadn’t the energy to get off his arse and go to the party.
Look at the pizza boxes around you
“For the love and honour of Jaysus,” was one comment made by Tommy’s sister Julia when she saw Tommy online for the first time in two years and the state of his living room.
“Look at the fecking size of you, you shagging fat-fecker and look at the amount of fecking pizza boxes thrown around your place. When was the last time you put out the rubbish?” she asked her couch-potato of a brother.
“I just can’t understand it either,” was Tommy’s reply. “I means shur I nevers order extra topping or nathing. And Jaysus isn’t pizza meant to be good for you? I mean with all the tomatoes and dairy stuff in the cheese,” he asked.
“Ah for feck-sake Tommy you’re so fat and shagging lazy you can’t even be arsed to come to the party,” she accused. “When was the last time you got any exercise? Or for that matter when was the last time you were out of the shagging house?”
‘I get plenty of exercise’
“I gets plenty of exercise,” Tommy said defensively. He was always a bit afraid of his older sister ever since he was twelve and she caught him going through her knickers drawer and threatened to tell his Ma.
“I gets plenty of exercise,” he repeated again. “Jaysus the shagging door doesn’t answer itself. I has to get up and let the Papa John’s lad in with the pizza. Doesn’t I?” was Tommy’s unconvincing answer, before continuing: “I was thinking of giving him his own key.”
“And there’s no need for me to get up and go out. Jaysus I can order the pizza online, pay online and I get’s me dole money lodged into me account on-shagging-line as well.
“Jaysus there’s nothing else I really need and if I slip the delivery guy a couple of euros he’ll pick up a few cans and a pack of fags from the off-licence for me. So you see I gots it all sorted, so I does. But I just can’t understand what’s putting on the weight on me.”
Sad news just in
Meanwhile in Ireland is sad to report news just in. Tommy’s sister Julia, feeling sorry for her brother, called around to his house the following morning to do a bit of a cleanup and cook for him.
Unfortunately, as Tommy struggled off the couch to answer the door, he tripped over a stack of abandoned pizza boxes and fell to the floor clutching his chest. Funeral arrangements will be announced in due course.