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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » “No idea how I put on weight” says man surrounded by Papa John’s boxes
    Craic Satire

    “No idea how I put on weight” says man surrounded by Papa John’s boxes

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterFebruary 14, 2020No Comments3 Mins Read
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    Man surrounded by Papa John's boxes

    Tommy Joe Murphy, (45) from Carey’s Villas, St. Mary’s Park, Limerick has astonished friends and family by admitting that he “hasn’t a clue” as to why he has put on so much weight over the last few years.

    “I blame the fecking internet,” he said as he went live on a Facebook video chat from his living room with most of his friends and family who were attending Tommy’s parents’ wedding anniversary party just a mile down the road. Tommy apparently hadn’t the energy to get off his arse and go to the party.

    Look at the pizza boxes around you

    Image result for pizza boxes in home
    Credit: Marc Wathieu / Flickr

    “For the love and honour of Jaysus,” was one comment made by Tommy’s sister Julia when she saw Tommy online for the first time in two years and the state of his living room. 

    “Look at the fecking size of you, you shagging fat-fecker and look at the amount of fecking pizza boxes thrown around your place. When was the last time you put out the rubbish?” she asked her couch-potato of a brother.

    “I just can’t understand it either,” was Tommy’s reply. “I means shur I nevers order extra topping or nathing. And Jaysus isn’t pizza meant to be good for you? I mean with all the tomatoes and dairy stuff in the cheese,” he asked.

    “Ah for feck-sake Tommy you’re so fat and shagging lazy you can’t even be arsed to come to the party,” she accused. “When was the last time you got any exercise? Or for that matter when was the last time you were out of the shagging house?”

    ‘I get plenty of exercise’

    “I gets plenty of exercise,” Tommy said defensively. He was always a bit afraid of his older sister ever since he was twelve and she caught him going through her knickers drawer and threatened to tell his Ma.

    “I gets plenty of exercise,” he repeated again. “Jaysus the shagging door doesn’t answer itself. I has to get up and let the Papa John’s lad in with the pizza. Doesn’t I?” was Tommy’s unconvincing answer, before continuing: “I was thinking of giving him his own key.”

    Online shopping

    Image result for papa john's pizza
    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    “And there’s no need for me to get up and go out. Jaysus I can order the pizza online, pay online and I get’s me dole money lodged into me account on-shagging-line as well.

    “Jaysus there’s nothing else I really need and if I slip the delivery guy a couple of euros he’ll pick up a few cans and a pack of fags from the off-licence for me. So you see I gots it all sorted, so I does. But I just can’t understand what’s putting on the weight on me.”

    Sad news just in

    Image result for funeral
    Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    Meanwhile in Ireland is sad to report news just in. Tommy’s sister Julia, feeling sorry for her brother, called around to his house the following morning to do a bit of a cleanup and cook for him.

    Unfortunately, as Tommy struggled off the couch to answer the door, he tripped over a stack of abandoned pizza boxes and fell to the floor clutching his chest. Funeral arrangements will be announced in due course.  

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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