In an exclusive Interview, one Cavan man reveals how to drink for free.
Jimmy McDermott (51) from Drumalee Cross, County Cavan, broke with tradition and long-standing protocol today. In a rare interview, he revealed his top five tips to avoid paying for a round.
Cavan has a long-standing tradition that one should never be caught for buying a round of drinks in a pub.
Up until now, the means and methods of these skills have been kept a closely guarded secret. It has been a secret only handed down from father to son after an oath of secrecy has been sworn when a Cavan man reaches the age of fourteen. This is the accepted, if not quite legal, age for drinking in Cavan.
The ancient oath of secrecy is signed in blood on animal skin – paper and ink being considered far too expensive – by Cavan teens on the evening of their 14th birthday.
It is locally considered a right of passage and is often part of a family celebration. The family will gather around and share the one birthday bun and perhaps a plate of sandwiches.
In the interview with Meanwhile in Ireland’s Social Affairs Department, Jimmy McDermott, a 51-year-old sheep farmer of Drumalee Cross – the white bungalow on the corner – and owner of the red ‘98 Fiesta, who wishes to remain anonymous, broke with tradition and gave (sold) us the full story.
Read on to discover his top five tips to avoid paying for a round.
5. Always leave a mouthful in the glass – works all the time
“This is a good trick,” Jimmy said. “That way, you can avail of the round system, having your free few pints until it’s getting fairly obvious that it’s your round next.
“At this point, leave the tiniest dribble of stout in the glass you say, ‘My round next lads, I’ll just take a quick pee and get them in.’
“By leaving the small dribble in the glass, most people will actually believe you’ll be coming back. Works all the time,” Jimmy explained.
4. “Jaysus, me uncle has just died” – you’ll need an accomplice for this one
Jimmy explained that this tip to avoid paying for a round is a difficult one. However, once you get the timing right, it can often be well worth the effort of acquiring an accomplice.
The plan revolves around having an accomplice phone you with some ‘terrible bad family news’ just as it’s your turn to go to the bar.
“If you work in pairs, both of you can team up. Like a bit of a buddy system,” Jimmy explained.
“Right, it might cost you the price of a phone call, but it can be worth it.
“Actually, most people will buy you a sympathy pint and forget that it was your round. Jaysus, I must have ‘lost’ at least 26 uncles last year,” he concluded.
3. The trip – you have to get the timing just right
Another one of the great tips to avoid paying for a round, Jimmy told us, is the “well-timed trip and fall.”
“This takes a little bit of skill to accomplish,” he explained. “All you need do is to make a big deal out of ‘it’s my turn, lads,’ as you stride to the bar.
Then, a simple trip landing on a soft seat and ‘spraining’ the back will allow you to slip away to the next pub.”
2. The classic ‘put it on his bill’ – for when you have no other option
“This is a fairly easy one to master,” Jimmy explained. “When there is no other option, you simply go to the bar, order the round, and tell the barman to put it on Paddy’s bill.
“You’ll always have a least one drunken Paddy somewhere in the group. Normally, they’ll be too pissed to notice.”
1. The new baby – a great way to get a free pint
“The new baby is a great one as it has the advantage of follow-ups. People will ask things like the Christening and/or the First Communion,” Jimmy said.
“Just as it’s your round, you casually drop into the conversation that your wife has just ‘this very night given birth.’
“Like the dead uncle, number four in my list of tips to avoid paying for a round, people will be falling over themselves to buy you a pint.”
“Always works,” Jimmy concluded.
After giving us this ‘spill the beans’ interview, Jimmy has been forced to go into hiding.
He’s in his uncle Mattie’s house. You know the one with the bay window just down the road from the Post Office. It has the blue Toyota van parked outside.
If you liked this article, then you might like this video:
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.