A seven-year-old school girl who can’t be named for legal reasons was arrested today by Gardaí after a three-hour stand-off which only ended after the intervention of trained garda negotiator, our sources have confirmed.
The incident was captured on mobile phone footage and widely shared across social media platforms before being later removed, after Gardaí expressed embarrassment at the incident.
Routine checkpoint
The child, referred to as ‘Jennifer X’, was stopped by Gardaí at a Covid-19 checkpoint on a cycle path 5.2 Km from her home in Caherdavin, Limerick City. Eyewitnesses say she was accompanied by an older woman believed to be her granny.
It is understood that both Jennifer X and her granny were going to feed the ducks in the Clancy Strand area of the city. Garda Chief Superintendent Willie McDermott spoke to reporters after the stand-off ended.
“It all appears to have kicked off early this afternoon when Garda O’Brien carried out a routine Covid stop to question the child who was riding her bike — with the aid of training wheels — along the cycle path,” the Chief Super said.
“The child immediately became uncooperative and started to give Garda O’Brien a fair bit of lip, so she did,” the rather annoyed senior guard told the media.
Baiting the Guards
“Not only was she giving him lip but she was videoing him as he went about his duty. She was demanding to know what right he had to interrupt her from carrying out her constitutional right to go and feed the ducks.
“She was baiting O’Brien with all sorts of tricky legal questions so she was and, let’s face it, young Garda O’Brien isn’t the brightest thing to ever come out of Garda Training College.
“Shur, he wouldn’t know what the constitution was if you hit him over the head with it. Jaysus, she was screaming and roaring at the poor young-fella and all the time live streaming it on that FaceTube thingy,” the Chief Super told the assembled pack of news-hounds.
The eye witness account
Sean Power, who is a close relative of an essential worker (his sister is married to a porter in Limerick’s University hospital) and who witnessed the fracas, spoke to us at Meanwhile in Ireland.
“Jaysus, ’twas terrible so it was, the child was screaming and shouting at the young garda. Calling him all sorts of names and demanding his badge number and all that sort of stuff that you only see Dublin journalists carry on with.
“At this stage, the granny was getting frantic and also began screaming and shouting, so another garda tasered her — just for her own protection like,” the eye witness recounted.
Attending karate classes
“Anyway, to make a long story short,” Mr Power — who also told us he lives beside two nurses who are working on the front-line — continued recounting his version of events.
“It appears that Jennifer X has been attending karate classes at St Nessan’s Community College every Tuesday night for the past few weeks and has already achieved her first white-belt. So she’s handy at the martial arts.
“Anyway, again, she ups and kicks the young guard right smack between the legs knocking him to the ground. Then she cuffed him with his own cuffs and kept him hostage for the three hours.
“Anyway again-again, there were helicopters overhead and the Armed Rapid Response lads were milling around like something you’d see on Miami Vice so they were,” the excited eyewitness told the press.
Promised a McDonald’s
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that the impasse was only broken after Jennifer X was promised a McDonald’s kid’s meal on the way home by the guards and she promised not to watch any more YouTube videos of Dublin journalists. Her granny is recovering in hospital but as she’s not an essential worker nobody really cares.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
