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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Girlfriends ‘attempted murder’ after boyfriend goes on a 4-day bender
    Craic Satire

    Girlfriends ‘attempted murder’ after boyfriend goes on a 4-day bender

    Dan O'MuirighBy Dan O'MuirighDecember 16, 2019No Comments3 Mins Read
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     A girlfriend has been charged with “attempted murder” after it emerged that she violently attacked her intoxicated boyfriend at around 4 am this morning.

    Shona Kelly (24), from Dublin, is accused of trying to kill her boyfriend, Daniel McGuinness (23) after he stumbled home following four consecutive days on the drink.

    McGuinness’ four-day bender

    On Sunday past, McGuinness had won a county championship with his club side and simply “went on a mad one” with the rest of his team-mates, as is customary with a Championship victory.

    This is a nationally-recognised principle and McGuinness thought nothing of it, assuming that his partner would “let it slide” as everyone else usually does.

    McGuinness did not come home once during his drinking excursion, staying out to the early hours and sleeping wherever a bed was provided.

    The attempted murder

    Miss. Kelly, unable to comprehend why her boyfriend would go out for a night never mind four, was visibly irate as the days passed, according to local sources.

    When Mr. McGuinness eventually did resurface, he awoke Miss. Kelly from her sleep, and it was here that the trouble started. “It was as if a fuse had went off”, a nearby neighbour commented.

    Miss. Kelly, seething with anger, struck out at the stumbling McGuinness as he struggled up the stairs, causing him to fall backwards and land head-first on the downstairs floor.

    Police called

    Upon hearing the bang from the fall and the subsequent “squeals” that emanated from Miss. Kelly, next-door neighbour Jacqueline Morrison called the Gardaí, who rushed to the scene.

    Gardaí statements reveal that Mr. McGuinness was found “unconscious with blood splattering from the right side of his head”, while his nose had been broken and jaw “badly bruised”.

    Miss. Kelly was discovered towering over the lifeless McGuinness when police arrived, before she was arrested and subsequently charged with “attempted murder”.

    The court proceedings

    In a shocking admission, Miss. Kelly showed no remorse when questioned by the judge early this morning when she took to the stand. She is currently facing a trial at the Criminal Court of Justice in Dublin. 

    When the judge asked her how she felt about the ordeal, Miss Kelly casually replied; “I don’t regret it. Who does he think he is, leaving me for four days? Four days!” The court was palbably stunned and silence reigned over the jury.

    “How dare he?” Miss. Kelly continued. “So what if it was a Championship final. He has me at home! He doesn’t need to go out drinking. I just can’t believe he thought it was okay.”

    Mr. McGuinness’ condition

    Mr. McGuinness is now thought to be in a critical yet stable condition, according to the medical team at Connolly Hospital in Blanchardstown.

    This is not the first time that such an attack has taken place. Meanwhile in Ireland’s Investigative Unit has uncovered sensitive police material which demonstrate an inexorable increase in these types of attacks.

    According to the documents, 7 in every 10 girlfriends assault their partners when they go on any form of “bender”, while 63% of women admitted they have banned their partners from going for a drink after a match.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.

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    Dan O'Muirigh

    Dan O'Muirigh is a keen travel writer from Belfast, County Antrim. He has been a regular writer for Ireland Before You Die, The World Bucket List and Meanwhile in Ireland since 2019, covering topics ranging from the Irish countryside, cities, hidden gems, and other standout features to Irish culture, history, and language. He has also contributed to more worldwide and good news articles. Dan holds a law degree and has held a keen interest in writing for many years. He has been immersed in Irish culture, playing GAA, writing about the country, and learning its language. Dan has travelled far and wide across Ireland, with a particular interest in Donegal. He has also travelled around Europe, the Caribbean and South-East Asia.

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