A girlfriend has been charged with “attempted murder” after it emerged that she violently attacked her intoxicated boyfriend at around 4 am this morning.
Shona Kelly (24), from Dublin, is accused of trying to kill her boyfriend, Daniel McGuinness (23) after he stumbled home following four consecutive days on the drink.
McGuinness’ four-day bender
On Sunday past, McGuinness had won a county championship with his club side and simply “went on a mad one” with the rest of his team-mates, as is customary with a Championship victory.
This is a nationally-recognised principle and McGuinness thought nothing of it, assuming that his partner would “let it slide” as everyone else usually does.
McGuinness did not come home once during his drinking excursion, staying out to the early hours and sleeping wherever a bed was provided.
The attempted murder
Miss. Kelly, unable to comprehend why her boyfriend would go out for a night never mind four, was visibly irate as the days passed, according to local sources.
When Mr. McGuinness eventually did resurface, he awoke Miss. Kelly from her sleep, and it was here that the trouble started. “It was as if a fuse had went off”, a nearby neighbour commented.
Miss. Kelly, seething with anger, struck out at the stumbling McGuinness as he struggled up the stairs, causing him to fall backwards and land head-first on the downstairs floor.
Police called
Upon hearing the bang from the fall and the subsequent “squeals” that emanated from Miss. Kelly, next-door neighbour Jacqueline Morrison called the Gardaí, who rushed to the scene.
Gardaí statements reveal that Mr. McGuinness was found “unconscious with blood splattering from the right side of his head”, while his nose had been broken and jaw “badly bruised”.
Miss. Kelly was discovered towering over the lifeless McGuinness when police arrived, before she was arrested and subsequently charged with “attempted murder”.
The court proceedings
In a shocking admission, Miss. Kelly showed no remorse when questioned by the judge early this morning when she took to the stand. She is currently facing a trial at the Criminal Court of Justice in Dublin.
When the judge asked her how she felt about the ordeal, Miss Kelly casually replied; “I don’t regret it. Who does he think he is, leaving me for four days? Four days!” The court was palbably stunned and silence reigned over the jury.
“How dare he?” Miss. Kelly continued. “So what if it was a Championship final. He has me at home! He doesn’t need to go out drinking. I just can’t believe he thought it was okay.”
Mr. McGuinness’ condition
Mr. McGuinness is now thought to be in a critical yet stable condition, according to the medical team at Connolly Hospital in Blanchardstown.
This is not the first time that such an attack has taken place. Meanwhile in Ireland’s Investigative Unit has uncovered sensitive police material which demonstrate an inexorable increase in these types of attacks.
According to the documents, 7 in every 10 girlfriends assault their partners when they go on any form of “bender”, while 63% of women admitted they have banned their partners from going for a drink after a match.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
