A twenty-two-year-old Irish man is totally confused as to how he picked up a sexually transmitted illness after a ten-day holiday with friends on the Spanish strip of Magaluf.
Jimmy O’Brien of Rose Gardens, Caherdavin Limerick has sworn to all and sundry and more importantly to his girlfriend Cathy that he was completely celibate over the ten-day break with the lads.
STI may be passed on
“I swears I got up to nathing,” Jimmy told Cathy after his doctor advised him he should inform her of the likelihood that he may have passed the STI on to her during the three weeks since he returned from Magaluf.
“Alright so, there was one auld granny from Liverpool who was chatting me up one night in the bar. She wanted me to get up and sing karaoke with her. That’s as far as it went, two verses of Stand By Me,” Jimmy swore.
“Then when I came back I had this shagging rash all over me ‘privates’ so I went to the Doc.” Unsurprisingly, Cathy was slow to believe Jimmy. Cathy, an avid reader of women’s magazines, knows a thing or two about STIs and is convinced that they can’t be shared by singing duets.
Cathy’s response
“Will you go away to f**k. You must have been out every night shagging anything with a fecking pulse — I knows what you’re like when youse go away with the boys,” Cathy admonished. “’Twas the same when you went to Ballybunion; you came back with a rake of hickies on your neck and two or your right thigh.”
“Jaysus pet, honestly they were from fecking jellyfish bites, I swears to you. I’ve never even looked at another woman since I met you,” Jimmy said, with a textbook show of lies and deceit.
Compromising Facebook photos
“You were out on the piss every night,” Cathy accused. “I’ve seen the pictures all over Facebook.” Jimmy denied the proof; “That wasn’t me. I gave me phone to Patsy when he lost his. Seriously I was in bed every night by half-nine.”
“Well, you fecking liar,” Cathy replied, “I suppose ’twas a fecking lookalike, not you who had the selfie with some tattooed young-wan and both of you knocking back shots to beat the band and you with your hands all over her — was it?”
Cathy ‘not the brightest’
“Ok, so the lads may have gone out every night and picked up the odd-chick here and there but I swears to Jaysus, I didn’t. Feck, I played the few games of Crazy Golf in the afternoons then read a book and was asleep by nine — honestly, would I lie to you?
“The doctor said I could have picked the rash up from a toilet seat or something — honestly,” he pleaded again, well versed in the art of lying and making stuff up.
Cathy, who was never the brightest shinny-thing on the chandelier, believed him this time. She wrapped her arms around Jimmy, stuck her tongue in his mouth and whispered; “Ah shur, I knew you wouldn’t lie to me, Jimmy. It must have been the fecking toilet seats.”
Marriage proposals
Meanwhile in Ireland are please to announce that Jimmy and Cathy plan to marry during the summer. Jimmy is not yet aware of an impending paternity lawsuit being brought against him by the auld-granny-wan from Liverpool.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.
