Northern Ireland to be placed in care after Brexit

A landmark decision by the United Nations has ruled that Northern Ireland is to be placed in care.

The Family division of The International Court of Justice (ICJ) made its decision at a special sitting in New York this afternoon.

The ICJ — often referred to as The World Court is the judicial arm of the United Nations and its primary functions are to settle international legal disputes submitted by states.

Through its opinions and rulings, it serves as a source of international law.

The Decision

Speaking at a press conference to announce the decision President of the United Nations Economic and Social Council Inga Rhonda King outlined the background to the case. 

“We look upon nations as parents to their administrative regions and the regions of nations as dependent children to those parents.” M/s King said.

“It is obvious when you look at the turbulent history of the Northern Ireland region that both Ireland and Britain have failed in their joint parental role concerning Northern Ireland.”

“In light of the impending divorce of the UK from the ‘Family of Europe’ we felt the time was right for us to step in and take control of the situation using the tried and tested methods of family court proceedings.”

The Report

A report was prepared for the ICJ which showed that neither Ireland nor the UK wants custody of Northern Ireland after a Brexit divorce.

The report compiled by two UN social workers who visited the region and spoke to both parents and the child details a long list of what is referred to as “childhood neglect” going back years.

Dr Peter Simmons a consultant child psychologist to the UN and co-author of the report said:

“It is obvious from interviews with the child that NI never really felt wanted.

“Let’s face it Northern Ireland was conceived out of a brief interlude between the UK and Ireland — a sort of a political one-night-stand and neither country wanted to take responsibility for its upbringing.”

Teen Angst

“Like many unwanted children, the North grew up a bit misguided and went that bit off the rails.

“It’s not that surprising that this resulted in a personality disorder, not knowing if it was green or orange. A sort off a political identity crisis.” The psychologist explained.

 “When you look at Northern Ireland the region presents as a hormonal teenage boy or girl not quite coming to grips with the changes that impending adulthood is causing.

“This manifests itself in the typical teenage traits of loud music, marching bands and a total disregard for parental authority. Seriously, if you look at Stormont as a bedroom, it even refuses to keep that tidy.

“No!” the psychologist went on. “If Northern Ireland is ever to reach mature adulthood it needs to be taken into the foster care of a loving family — we would suggest a couple such as, Sweden and Norway who would give it the love and understanding it needs and the example of good parenting.”

Meanwhile in Ireland’s political team understand that worries and concerns have also been expressed internationally about the UK’s two other children from previous relationships — Scotland who wants to move away from home and Wales who suffers from an inferiority complex.