From Paddy Irishman jokes to quips about unusual Irish traditions, here are ten hilarious jokes about the Irish that will leave you in stitches.
There are a few things the Irish are known for: their fondness for alcohol, their friendly nature, and their witty sense of humour. With that in mind, here are ten hilarious jokes about the Irish that will leave you in stitches.
When it comes to jokes in Ireland, nothing is off-limits. So, it is best to not take anything to heart that an Irishman or woman says to you.
Known throughout history for their penchant for satire and dry humour – just take a look at the works of some of Ireland’s greatest writers – the Irish will always find a laugh in everything.
10. The job interview – what makes nine?
First up on our list of jokes about the Irish that will leave you in stitches is this one about an Irishman at a job interview.
As part of the interview, the Irishman was asked to complete a test. Drawing six vertical lines in pairs of two on a page, the interviewer asked the Irishman,
“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”
After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil and drew some leaves atop the three pairs of lines.
He handed the paper back to the interviewer, and the interviewer looked at the drawings and said, “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes, it is!” said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine!”
9. Sunday opening hours – nothing opens on a Sunday
Paddy left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving on a Sunday evening. Later, he was found in a tree by a farmer.
“What happened?” asked the farmer.
Liam replied, “My parachute failed to open!”
“Well,” said the farmer, “If you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.”
8. Laces undone – confusing instructions
John bumped into Paddy in the local newsagent, and one of Paddy’s shoelaces was undone. So John said, “Watch you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”
Paddy says, “Yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”
John said, “What instructions, Paddy?”
Paddy says, “Underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”
7. An Irish wedding vs an Irish funeral – one big difference
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
There’s one less drunk at the funeral.
6. The fastest growing country in Europe – always getting bigger
Why is Ireland the fastest growing country in Europe?
Because it’s always Dublin.
5. Why did God invent whiskey? – the big questions
Next up on our list of hilarious jokes about the Irish that will leave you in stitches is a joke about the Irish fondness for alcohol.
Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.
4. Turning water to wine – he’s done it again
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The policeman smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The policeman replies, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good lord! He’s done it again!”
3. 24 hours to live – bad news and worse news
Dr O’Mahony phones his patient and says, “I have bad news and worse news, John.”
“Oh, dear!” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
Dr O’Mahony replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
2. Two brothers – three shots, please
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks, “Would it be better if I put all three shots in one glass?”
The Irishman replies, “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks, “Did something happen to one of your brothers?”
“Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
1. Call me an ambulance – not what I meant
Topping our list of jokes about the Irish that will leave you in stitches is this one about Mick and Paddy.
Mick and Paddy were walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down, “What shall I do?”
Mick calls back, “Call me an ambulance!”
Paddy then jumps up and down, screaming, “Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance!”