A prominent member of Sinn Féin who is a candidate in the forthcoming general election has promised voters a United Ireland within thirty days if elected.
Pearse O’Donaghue, who is currently a Sinn Féin member of Donegal County Council, has revealed to the press his ambitious manifesto for the upcoming election.
‘Unity within a month’
“I absolutely guarantee a United Ireland within a month if I’m elected,” he told a ‘meet the press’ event held at the O’Donovan Rossa Community Centre in Letterkenny, County Donegal last night.
“It’s about time. Since Ireland got its independence from the Brits in 1922 we’ve been waiting for them to feck-off. Jaysus, they gave back Hong fecking Kong, America and a few other fecking places that nobody gives a damn about.
“But they’re still hanging on to the ‘seven’ counties of Ulster that are rightfully ours,” said O’Donaghue, who was never much good at geography, history or maths.
Get our eight counties back!
“Tá, mo chairde,” which, for the benefit of our Brit readers, translates as “Yes, my friends,” said O’Donaghue who used the old Sinn Féin trick of using a few words of Irish to both confuse and impress his listeners.
“It won’t be long now before we have our ‘eight’ counties back. Of course, that’s dependent on youse lot electing me to the Dáil,” warned Councillor O’Donaghue.
First came to public attention
O’Donaghue, who habitually wears a black balaclava that his mammy knit him for luck, first came to public attention when as a teenager he went on hunger strike in support of Palestine refugees living in Norway.
He was elected to Donegal County Council in 2002 but has yet to attend a council meeting. Unsurprisingly, O’Donaghue has claimed to not fully understand the Sinn Féin policy of abstentionism.
His abstentionist stance, however, doesn’t prevent him from receiving a salary and fairly hefty expenses — which is just as well as he has never managed to hold down a real job.
Talks with Loyalists
“I’m to sit down with them loyalist Brit lads that lives in the ‘Five’ Counties and simply have a chat with them. Like, in fairness I think that they’re just a bit misguided, that’s all.
“I suppose getting absolutely pissed out of your mind every shagging 12th of July doesn’t help,” he told the press, before continuing to unveil his plan for Irish reunification.
“Once they realise that we were here first and down South we have a much better health system, housing, higher wages with no unemployment, an honest and equitable banking system where no one can do any wrong…”
“The fecking roads really are paved with gold and the sun really does shine all day, and that under a Sinn Féin government they’ll be welcomed with open arms. Not the ‘arms’ we’ve got hidden away for a rainy day kind of arms!”
Sinn Féin refuse to comment
Sinn Féin President Mary Lou McDonald was unavailable for comment. Meanwhile in Ireland can reveal that no member of the party agreed to talk. To be honest, you can’t blame them.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
