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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Five amazing things Oliver Cromwell did for Ireland
    Craic Satire

    Five amazing things Oliver Cromwell did for Ireland

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterAugust 7, 2020No Comments4 Mins Read
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    Oliver Cromwell is notoriously one of Ireland’s most despised historical figures – but what about the good things he did?

    Five amazing things Oliver Cromwell did for Ireland

    Oliver Cromwell was acting on behalf of the English Crown when he led an English army to Ireland in 1649 and occupied the country. Cromwell has often been vilified by historians and by the public at large.

    But in this feature article, we tasked our regular columnist Gerald Leinster to delve that little bit deeper and list five amazing things that Cromwell did for Ireland. He writes.

    Oliver Cromwell his name strikes fear into the hearts of most Irish people and invokes a sense of hatred. But should this be the case? I think not.

    5. To hell or Connaught

    Cromwell's "To Hell or Connaugh" speech left a legacy for Fianna Fail to prioritise the likes of Brown Thomas.
    Brown Thomas, Grafton St, Dublin. Credit: commoms.wikimedia.org

    The famous Cromwellian quote of “to Hell or Connaught” came about when Cromwell and his army confiscated all the fairly decent land east of the Shannon and turned it over to some English lads that had travelled over with him.

    Basically, this farsighted act resulted in the formation of some of Dublin’s finer Southside communities and forced many natives to flee to Connaught, thus removing most of the riff-raff from the capital.

    That can’t have been such a bad thing. Cromwell’s plan was well copied years later by the Fianna Fail government of the day when their far-reaching housing policies saw the demolition of Dublin’s slum areas.

    This led the relocation of thousands of the remaining riff-raff to the north side of the city and thereby freeing much-needed building lands for Brown Thomas, Bewley’s and providing plenty of multi-storey car parking; as I said not a bad thing keeping the leafier suburbs on the south side of the city.

     4. Cromwell gave us the Gentry

    Cromwell gave to Ireland the entitled Gentry.
    Credit: @fun.facts.history / Instagram

    Many of my friends are titled, and of because this, I am proud to be able to drop the odd “I was out with Lord this or lady that the other day.”

    It gives one a certain air of importance to casually drop the name of nobility into conversations and of course very handy to ensure getting a good table in a restaurant if you casually mention while booking that you are dining with Lady this or that.

    3. Coronation Street and Britain’s Got Talent

    Without Oliver Cromwell, we wouldn't be watching ITV or BBC, and therefore the likes of Britain's Got Talent.
    Credit: Ben Sutherland / Flickr

    Cromwell’s occupation of Ireland and the Cromwellian Plantation of most of the country did much to rid the country of that nasty Gaelic language that the natives were speaking and bring the Queen’s English to our shores.

    Imagine had it not and had we not learned what is proudly now our mother tongue we’d never have been able to sit back, relax and enjoy the BBC or, if pressed, even ITV.   

    2. Responsible for us colonising many countries

    Without Cromwell, we wouldn't have populated the likes of Sydney and Boston in droves.
    The Irish flag flying in Boston. Credit: commonms.wikimedia.org

    When Oliver Cromwell won the wars with the Irish rebels in and around 1651 and he had taken about fifty thousand prisoners of war, he decided to sell them off as indentured labourers under the British Commonwealth scheme.

    Many of these were sent to British Colonies in North America, Australia and beyond. This was handy as it gave us Irish a sort of a leg-up in the formation of these countries and a certain degree of popularity, which was great when our lads had nowhere to go during the recession of 2008 but Sydney and Boston.  

    1. Gave us a bit of class

    The likes of Dun Laoighaire in South County Dublin benefited most from Cromwell.
    The likes of Dun Laoighaire in South County Dublin benefited most from Cromwell. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

    You have to hand it to Oliver. He came over here of his own bat and civilised the native Irish. Ok, some might say he went a bit over-board with the auld looting and pillaging and that sort of stuff. But think about it.

    If it wasn’t for him we’d probably still be muck-savages going around eating spuds and speaking Gaeilge. Like, in all fairness, there’s enough of that Gaeilge language stuff down in Connemara and in RTE.

    No, Oliver Cromwell did his best for Ireland and shaped us into what we are today. At least in South Dublin, the better parts of it anyway. Really we shouldn’t be off our knees thanking God for him.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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