Historian reveals the 1916 leader who would most likely win Love Island

Noted Irish historian completes research into which of our great 1916 hero would have won the Love Island reality tv show.

After completing four years of in-depth research into the subject Dr Smyth Jefferies PhD and member of the Royal College of Historians has published his thesis on the likely outcome if a Love Island series had been organised during the Irish struggle for independence.

Speaking at the launch of Dr Jefferies new book — Love Island and the Nationalist Struggle — which is based on Dr Jefferies’ thesis the Chairperson of the RCH, Professor Steven Kant was exuberant in his praise.

“This publication is vital to our total understanding of those bitter years and well worth the research monies that the RCH grant-aided Dr Jefferies.”

Bursary

It is understood that the Royal College of Historians paid a bursary of €800,000 towards Jefferies’ four-years of dedicated research.

“This research is vital to our understanding of how this nation of ours was created,” Kant said.

The Findings

Dr Jefferies spoke to reporters on his findings. After thanking the RCH for the bursary he said. “My research has thrown up some very interesting facts. I have concluded that the producers of a 1916 Love Island season would have had a very difficult job in choosing a winner.”

Ceannt and Larkin would have been totally useless as contestants — let’s face it those two were so socialist it was unbelievable. Most of their time was spent reading Marxist philosophy — they had absolutely no interest in scoring with chicks.”

Jefferies went on to detail the chances of other noted nationalists.

“Ok,” he said, “While Connolly and Larkin were a bit on the Red side at least they had some interest in the opposite sex. But for — and to use a historical technical term — feck Sake! There were way too many 1916 nationalist heroes who batted for the other side if you know what I mean.”

Non-PC

Dr Jefferies’ non-pc statement drew an immediate reaction from reporters who pressed him to expand.

“Well, look at Pierce, for example, just look at some of the stuff he wrote!

‘There is a fragrance in your kiss that I have not found yet in the kisses of women or in the honey of their bodies.’

“I mean for Jaysus sake, how fecking Pink can you get?” He asked, Then continued. “No, if auld Padraic had his way he’d have been playing Celine Dion over the fecking loudspeakers in the GPO — if you get my drift?”

Dr Jefferies continued to ‘out’ other notable nationalists.

“Jaysus you had a rake of them. I mean take what’s his name, Casement, his first name Roger was — let’s put it this way — very appropriate, he rogered everything that came within striking distance. A gun runner my arse, I’m telling you if I dropped a bullet in the GPO I’d be fairly slow to bend down to pick it up.”

The Women Were Just As Bad

“Seriously the women were just as bad.” Jefferies went on. “Most of them were more interested in each other than having a bit of ‘the other’ with a man. What with your-wan O’Farrell who carried the surrender notes from the GPO. Herself and that other-wan Grenan, the pair of them are buried together in Glasnevin Cemetery with the inscription on their headstone ‘faithful comrade, lifelong friend’.

“No! By Jaysus!” Jefferies continued, there were more Dykes in the GPO then in the whole of fecking Holland.”

And The Winner Is

What Connolly might have looked like as a Love Island contestant.

Meanwhile in Ireland’s news team have waded through Dr Jefferies book (all 2,000 pages of the tripe) and concluded that the likely winner of a 1916 Love Island series would have to have been James Connolly.

Let’s face it, he had a moustache that made him look like a young Tom Selleck and you know hot a decent moustache can make women.

He had to be carried to the firing squad; I mean how romantic was that?

And being originally born and living for years in Scotland he had the entire auld Sean Connery accent thing going for him.

I of course refer to the good old days before Sean Connery turned into Roger Moore!

Had Love Island been around in 1916, our money would definitely have been on Connolly to win.