Ireland has won the International Best Pint Drinkers in the World Award. The announcement was made at the annual award ceremony of the Stockholm Institute for Cultural Advancement (SICA) held in the Swedish capital last night.
The prestigious award is only presented every ten years and is considered among the most premier of honours that can be bestowed upon a particular nation.
Response of SICA
Speaking at the awards ceremony which was attended by both the Irish President Michael D Higgins and Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, Hans Goofenson, Chairman of the SICA Selection Committee, was happy to present Ireland with the distinguished award.
“It is with great pride I present this award to the pint drinkers of Ireland. For a small nation, Ireland’s pint drinkers have never been found wanting when it comes to sinking-down-pints.
“There was much opposition from larger countries like Russia and the United States and even Japan who are new to the culture of pint-sinking-down — but in fairness to the Irish, when it comes to sinking pints, well, you can’t beat them.”
The Fields of Athenry
As the Chairman concluded, a large contingent of Irish people who had travelled to Stockholm for the occasion rose to their feet and began chanting The Fields of Athenry.
President Michael D Higgins took to the podium with the aid of a step ladder. He spoke in Irish but quickly reverted to English when realising nobody could understand him. However, the audience still had a bit of difficulty figuring out what he was on about even then.
Creamy pint of Guinness by the window
The President told the assembled crowd; “It is a great privilege for me to be here representing the ordinary pint drinker of Ireland and to accept this award on their behalf.
“My Predecessor, Mary Robinson, used to keep a lighted candle in the window of Áras an Uachtaráin, Jaysus it was a fecking fire hazard it was,” the President said, slightly losing the run of himself.
“Anyway, Mary kept the candle there to guide the Irish Diaspora home but during my presidency, I keep a creamy pint of Guinness on the auld window sill to remind those who fecked off to America and Australia what they’re missing when times were hard.”
Taoiseach: ‘I’m one of the lads’
Wearing a really lovely figure-hugging double-breasted blue suit set off by a gorgeous matching cravat and hanky sligthtly peeking out from his breast pocket, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar spoke on behalf of the Irish Government.
“Everyone in Ireland,” Leo said, “knows me as an ordinary man of the people. There’s nothing I like better than slipping down to my local of an evening and sipping a grand pint of creamy Guinness and playing a decent game of pool with the lads.
“It’s great crack sipping pints and sharing the odd dirty joke with the lads,” the Taoiseach, who in reality had never sipped a pint in his life, said in a blatant attempt to spin himself as ‘one of the lads’.
Saint Arthur Guinness
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that the twenty-fifth of September (Arthur Guinness Day) is to be declared a national holiday and moves are underway to ensure the canonisation of the said Arthur.
Pope Francis — himself handy when it comes to sinking pints — is said to be “highly in favour” of the idea, but may have been under the influence of a pint of Guinness when he said it.