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    You are at:Home » News » Craic » Irishman dies of starvation after waiting on his wife shopping in Dublin
    Craic Satire

    Irishman dies of starvation after waiting on his wife shopping in Dublin

    Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterNovember 28, 2019No Comments3 Mins Read
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    A married man is reported to have died from starvation after waiting 87 days for his wife to finish shopping in central Dublin.

    The story of forty-three-year-old Kilkenny man James Patrick O’Neill has gripped the nation as details of his terrible death on Dublin’s shopping streets emerged.

    He’s the 17th Irishman to have died this year as a direct result of waiting for the wife to finish shopping.

    ‘Dragged Shopping’

    Details of the tragedy surfaced when his emaciated remains were found on a bench outside Pennies in Dublin city centre last Friday.

    It is believed that O’Neill was dragged on a shopping trip to the capital by his ‘overpowering’ and ‘dominating’ wife.

    A Few Bits and Pieces

    “I just needed to get a few bits and pieces for the kids going back to school in September.” She told investigating gardaí.

    “So I decided to take a trip to Dublin and I wanted James Patrick to carry the bags.”

    “In fairness to me, I never intended to spend so long ‘doing’ the shops but shur one thing leads to another. Don’t you know the way it is?” She asked.

    “As I was there I decided to look for some Christmas stuff and then, of course, it would have been silly not to get a few things for the Christmas.” The middle-aged Kerry woman told reporters.

    God Rest His Soul

    “James Patrick had been talking about going off to look at the National Museum.” She said.

    “To be honest I couldn’t trust him to get back in time to help carry the shopping — in fairness that’s all he’s good for, I mean that’s all he was good for, God rest his soul.”

    “Anyway,” she continued. I decided to chain him to a bench so he wouldn’t wander off, while I spent a few minutes in the shops.

    “I did go back with the bags every few days and he seemed fine. He was great at keeping an eye on the bags.

    “But anyway again, I saw this lovely frock at half price but couldn’t make up my mind between the red one and the blue one. You know the way it is?” She asked again.

    The view of the Pathologist

    Consultant pathologist Dr Maria O’Brien told the media, “This is a very common occurrence.” She said.

    “It is quite a normal phenomenon for middle-aged women especially ‘up from the country’ losing all track of time when shopping.

    “To be honest, eighty-seven-days to buy a few bits and pieces would be quite usual for most women — especially if they are distracted by a frock.”

    “Ok,” she added. “Perhaps she should have been more mindful of the health and safety of her husband but you know how it is when you can’t make up your mind about the colour.”

    Dublin City Council has immediately responded to the tragedy with a spokesperson promising that city centre husband crèches and drop-off points are soon to be located around the city.

    Disclaimer

    This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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    Gerald Leinster
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    Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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