A Limerick night-club doorman has announced that he will stand as an independent candidate for election to the thirty-third Dáil, following a string of speculation.
Fonscie O’Brien’s announcement, who is a well known and respected bouncer, comes off the back of the Government’s decision to hold a general election in the Spring of 2020.
Rumours had been rife
Speaking to friends and family in the Red Chicken Bar in Limerick’s City Centre, O’Brien was quick to confirm the rumours about his candidacy which had been circulating not only on social media but on the streets of Limerick.
“Yes,” Fonscie said in response to a direct question from his sister-in-law Josie. “I’m definitely going to run. And I’ll beat the crap out of anyone who stands in me way.
“That’s the only way forward; a sort of the last man standing, no holds barred cage fight. That’s what the people of Limerick want and expect,” he said.
An exclusive interview
A local reporter who happened to be having a quiet pint and who overheard Fonscie’s remarks was quick off the mark to get an exclusive interview with O’Brien.
“I means exactly what I says,” Fonscie remarked. “All them politicians wouldn’t or couldn’t beat their way out of a fecking paper bag — and they’re the lot we pay to run the country.
“Look at your-man Varadkar. Jaysus, what would he do if we were invaded by the Russians? We’d be fecking useless. Or those loyalist lads in the North — some of them lads are right hard-men,” he concluded.
An alternative approach to politics
Fonscie went on to outline his plans for an alternative system of election which, he believed, would bring about a stronger system of governance
“What we need in the Dáil,” Fonscie went on, “is a legislature of lads who aren’t afraid to put the boot in or to use the auld head-butt when required.
“Likes I knows from experience there are times for negotiations and fecking debate, but there are times for when the only thing that matters is a quick head-butt,” the bouncer, who has once served two-years for grievous bodily harm, said.
TD’s get away with everything
Asked by the local reporter as to what his main manifesto points would be, Fonscie, who has just recently learned to read and write, replied; “I don’t knows but how I figures it is like this…
“Dem feckers up in Dublin are a right shower of tossers all-together. Jaysus they’re getting away with all sorts of nonsense all the time, fiddling expenses, and robbing the ordinary people blind.
“I never got away with nothing in me life. Anyway, I was only charged with attempted breaking and entering the once and nothing was ever proven.
“So I figures I’ve as much right as them to sit on me arse all day doing nothing and getting loads of dosh for it, just like the rest of them do,” he said.
O’Brien’s election proposals
Meanwhile in Ireland has obtained an advanced copy of Fonscie’s proposals and can report that his plans to decide the next Dáil on the bases of last man standing in a cage fight is receiving due consideration from the Electoral Reform Commission.
Sitting TDs Michael Noonan and Willie O’Dea were unavailable for comment but are understood to be in intensive training in anticipation of the upcoming bouts following O’Brien’s election.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. We do satire articles because it is great craic and Irish people love it! Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend.
